11.04.2005
THIS SO CALLED LIFE //
There is a cable show on the Spike channel called Rookies. Basically for a season a camera crew follows around a handful of NBA rookies, and you get a voyeuristic peak at their everyday lives starting from the very beginning of their new careers. My day 1 started off with trying to keep from going twosies for the duration of 30 hours of travel to get here. Then I arrived, bought some sheets, bought a bike, and quickly figured out that it's smart to avoid all puddles of murky water because many times those aren't puddles of murky water. And then when I'm not blankly staring at my Chinese teacher, I'm blankly staring at my computer monitor all day until I get off of work and then I blankly stare at my other computer monitor at home until I get ready for bed. Part of that routine is in fact going twosies with the heat lamp on in my bathroom. It's like taking a dump at the beach only without the shame of girls seeing my 12 year old physique. Rinse and repeat about 75 times and HOLY COW it's already November. No complaints. It's just that the same old thing hasn't been all that exciting. That's what she said! Up high!



11.09.2005
HAUTE CUISINE //
In Demolition Man, the future had Taco Bell winning the fast food wars and they transformed into posh restaurants. Sunday for lunch I felt like I stepped into that reality at a China Pizza Hut. Marble walls, marble floors, crown molding, recessed lighting, art…I couldn't believe this was the same chain in America with those horribly stained carpets and Ms Pacman table arcade consoles. When I sat down my friends asked me if I wanted to split a pizza. "Pizza?" I joked, "No, I'm ordering escargot and tiramisu." Then I opened the menu and saw not only those items but fruit crepes and "herbal shrimps." For a moment I forgot where I was, but then the China reality hit me when I turned the page and saw every family meal included the deep sea eel pizza. I was actually surprised you couldn't order taro root and red bean as toppings.



11.13.2005
BIRDMAN //
I've always been self-professed about being someone who had low emotional needs. It didn't take much to fill my cup, but I also had very little to give. The last 3 months here has been the second time in my life I've felt like I've been driving on fumes. The signs of desperation are all there for me: I've actually been emailing people and even calling others long distance, and I troll bulletin boards about my hobbies looking for some type of interaction. At this point I'm about a stones throw away from being one of those guys who plays Everquest for 18 hours a day and mingle around in cyber towns chatting about my Imbued Prismatic chain mail with +9 to social awkwardness. Let's put it this way: last week my sister went home to my parents place and I would watch my birds sleeping via web cam for hours. I'm going to be that crazy old guy who never got married that sits on his porch surrounded by dozens of birds in cages. Kids will ride their bikes by and say to each other, "Don't make eye contact. That's Crazy 'ole Bird Man!" Sweet.

11.45.2005
SEPERATION OF SPORTS AND STATE //
Sports and politics should be kept apart like that out-of-your-league hottie who miraculously agreed to go on a date with you, and your friends and family who know what a real dork you are. The only reason politicians stick their noses in sports is because they sniff opportunity. The baseball steroids senate hearings were a farce between McGwire refusing to talk about steroids, Raffy staunchly wagging his finger, and Sammy speaking a language neither Hispanics nor Americans could understand. One sportswriter quipped that "it must be sweeps week at Congress." So of course I laughed in disgust when I read a headline saying that Jesse Jackson calls Terrell Owens' suspension 'much too severe.' First, Jesse stopped being relevant 15 years before Owens bought his first Sharpie. And second, what does he know about football and how they police themselves? It's like my dad who can't operate a remote telling me how I should build a computer. While I'm here this has nothing to do with anything, but after just watching an interview of the actor who played the Emperor in Star Wars, I can say he's a flamer. How do I know this? Homophobes have a keenly developed gaydar. I'm just saying.



11.21.2005
MAN OF THE CLOTH //
I decided to get some pants made so I went to the Bu, which is the name of the fabric market. Now the Bu can be an intense experience that requires much girding of loinage. Imagine walking the gauntlet of a room crowded with used car salesmen all hawking the exact same car, and imagine not having a date for the last 5 years (that part is unrelated but just walk in my shoes for a minute). With the first vendor I had found the color and fabric I wanted but she wouldn't come down a dollar so I walked. That's right. I've even had 50 cents be the deal breaker. I guess another vendor overheard and was willing to meet my price but apparently because of my lack of fabric knowledge she was trying to explain something to me. Another thing Chinese salesmen like to do is overwhelm you with product information when you're trying to think. Staring blankly at her I was painfully aware that I only understood about 10 Chinese words, but unfortunately she wasn't using any of them. Even though I had no idea what she was saying I felt an enormous amount of pressure. In the end I left with a couple bolts of cloth, one shirt sweated through, and three new stress pimples.



11.25.2005
HAPPY THANKSGIVING //
I had a surprisingly American Thanksgiving in China; turkey, dressing, pecan pie, lamb on a stick, and the Pats vs the Colts. But still it didn't feel right. Nothing says Thanksgiving like 3 solid weeks of Christmas music, Christmas decorations, and cheesy made for tv Christmas movies. For all of the fashionable complaining about how the holidays have become commercialized, all of the marketing helps set the seasonal mood. Anyhow it's the 3 year mark since I was in a car accident. That Thanksgiving I had a nice holiday IV drip. Luby's actually gave my family a free turkey meal, which helped restore my faith in humanity. Like every American I've been reflecting on what to be thankful for. I'm not thankful that I'm still alive, but I'm grateful that I'm not dismembered. While I still bemoan that I'll never be pain free from ridiculously normal tasks like doing dishes, holding kids, eating, sitting in a chair, sleeping, at least I have all of my limbs (and hair which I didn't for a while), and that counts for a lot. Up next: Christmas. All I need now to get in the spirit is a crowded mall with people cussing each other out over a parking space.



11.28.2005
OUT OF CONTEXT //
I really like the people I work and live with. But tonight during someone's birthday get together, the realization of how out of place I am hit me like an undercooked piece of meat stick. The evening began with everyone sitting around on couches pleasantly discussing Christmas decorations, kids, and jigsaw puzzles while George Strait crooned holiday songs. Good times all around. It's just that I'm not yet middle aged and married with children. I really miss the good ole days of staying up until 3am playing Halo 2, making McDonalds fruit parfait runs and pleasantly objectifying women. All night I had a reoccurring thought, "Do I need alcohol to enjoy hanging out with people 2+ life stages ahead of me?" Of course not! (but it wouldn't hurt either.)