01.03.2006
ULTIMATE RESOLUTIONS //
Happy New Year! Like most indulgent Americans with a lack of self-control who use the idea of New Years resolutions as an excuse for Thanksgiving to December 31 to be one big Fat Tuesday before Lent, I made my own. I kicked around putting an Extreme or X in front of resolutions, but that's so 2005. Instead I give you the ULTIM4TE Resolutions:
1. lose weight- I heard nicotine is an appetite suppressant so I'm going to start smoking to get down from 110lbs to 107. I feel like I'm practically in a sorority. All I need now is some self-esteem boosting plastic surgery.
2. save money- a) carry only a $100 bill so when I eat fast food with a buddy I can say, "sorry I only have a $100 bill, can you cover me until I can break this?" b) be the guy who pays with a credit card in large groups, collect the cash then secretly under cut the tip.
3. be nicer to people- when Chinese people cut in front of me I used to say mean things in English. Now I'll just cuss at them and wish them ill harm WITH MY MIND.
4. drink less- 4 beers is 48 fluid ounces of alcohol. But If I hypothetically only drink 6 shots of vodka, that's 8 times less alcohol!
My mind is already blown.



01.07.2006
NOW I CAN DIE //
Wouldn't you know the year I move to China the Astros go to the World Series for the first time ever, Texas beats OU for the first time in 8 decades, and then cap off a truly magical season with a pants wetting barn burner. I fully expect to be deported at customs when I try to re-enter the States for superstition alone. Amazingly I did get to watch to the game live at 9:00am to the utter dismay of the all the patrons at a China Radisson Hotel as my friend and I were hugging and jumping around like we both won the lottery. This was the greatest day of my life. Not even my hypothetical marriage night will come close. From today until I die, I will always have this. Vince can go pro and we can lose 183-6 at the 2006 Red River Shootout. Won't matter, we are the National Champions. I can get trapped under rubble in an earthquake and have to gnaw my arm off to freedom. Won't matter, we are the National Champions. Maria Sharapova can hook up with Kevin Federline, move into his mobile home and get breast reduction surgery. Won't matter, we are the National Champions. And if you are offended, well maybe you haven't heard but THE TEXAS LONGHORNS ARE THE 2005 NCAA NATIONAL FREAKIN CHAMPIONS!



01.09.2006
THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT //
A deliveryman came the other morning while I was still asleep. I had left my money at the office so we had to go together to get it. It was cold and raining so he told me to hop on the back of his moped. Straddling a scooter behind another dude is, what's the word…gay. Or as the Chinese would say,"hen gay," if they only knew 10 Chinese words and were homophobic. Since I was still groggy from sleep, living in a country where I've seen 3 dudes riding bareback on a moped together, I actually considered taking the gayness to the next level by holding on to this strange man that I was uncomfortably up upon for safety. But I couldn't shake the feeling that we were riding to Brokeback Mountain, so instead I just hoped that he would hit a slick spot and I'd fall and hit my head on the pavement.

01.13.2006
WORLDS COLLIDE //
This week my mom came to visit me here in China. I feel like on this side of the world I have a completely different life and I'm even somewhat of a different person as well. These last few days it's as if both of my lives are intersecting each other. My mom is finally getting to a see a bigger picture of what it's like here than what she could see from my webcam. She has gotten to attend the classes that I attend, ride in a cab driving the wrong way in a bike lane that I've ridden, and she's in all likelihood getting the same intestinal parasites that I've gotten. It's a beautiful thing. We're going to Shang Hai tomorrow. I hope to bring back pictures and droll stories that you'll find amusing, probably not in a good way.



01.17.2006
FIVE STAR //
I went to Shang Hai this weekend with my mom. Staying at the Four Seasons was my glimpse at how the other half lives, and I think I could get used to it. When we got out of the elevator there was a man waiting by our door to let us in and serve us tea. Like true Chinese fashion we tipped him 36 cents. I guess we haven't been that Westernized yet. The complimentary breakfast buffet was ridiculous. I would start eating breakfast if every morning began with smoked salmon and capers, fresh squeezed juices and fruits, and exotic pastries. I practically had a private spa every day. And our bathroom was so nice I almost felt bad about taking a crap in it. But I got over it.



01.18.2006
THE POPO //
My friend told me where in Shanghai I could get a North Fake jacket. When I asked a lady who worked at the Four Seasons to show me on a map, she pointed to an icon of a Ralph Lauren shirt that said POPO and told me with a warm smile it's the fake market. I know that look. I get it often. It's the "aren't you a cute little boy" face. Sadly I think I was older than her. The bizarre was stall after stall of really high quality knock off Gucci, Prada, Louis Vutton, Polo, and North Face. Bargaining is still an art I'm honing. The technique I've settled on is seeming mildly interested, asking the price but then looking absolutely shocked by how expensive it is. You have to understand that they know we are all foreigners so they mark up the prices 300%-900%. I rarely offer a price in the beginning because either you name an amount too high, or so low that it causes them to lose face if they agree. So after their first offer I say "no thanks" and walk away. But not too far. Maybe 10 feet so I'm still in earshot of the falling prices they call out. And they fall fast. Usually in about 15 seconds they drop to 1/3 of their original price. Then the haggling begins, and they will say anything to make a sale. I've heard, "she don't know what she doing but I am boss and give you special price" to the classic "if I give you so cheap then tomorrow I close down." A new one I got was a girl saying "come back handsome man!" I think it was the first time a woman has ever wanted me for my money. It was exhilarating.



01.21.2006
SNOW DAY //
Yesterday when I woke up bleary eyed I opened up my curtains and literally blurted out "holy crap!" It had been cold, rainy, and nasty all week and it finally turned to lots and lots of snow. In this pollution cesspool it wasn't exactly a winter wonderland. It doesn't necessarily work to take something dirty (this country) and surround it with something pure (white snow). It's just a bad situation. It's like making Michael Jackson (something dirty) the leader of the Cub Scouts (something pure)…he likes boys. And I'm the type of guy who only thinks snow looks good on a screensaver or Christmas card. The weather couldn't make up its mind and a few hours later turned back to rain. Either is bad enough, but both is even worse. When I went outside my shoes immediately soaked through. It was like a slushie machine exploded. Next stop: Singapore. Time to introduce myself to another nation of women who want to have nothing to with me. See you soon.



01.22.2006
BIZARRO WORLD //
I've been in Singapore less than a day and it feels like I stepped through a dimensional doorway into an alternate universe. Right when I got off the plane I knew I was no longer in China. For one, I couldn't smell any urine. And second, I had just left a place snowing and raining to one where it's 87 degrees all year round. But I knew I wasn't quite out when I asked for a pillow and the stewardess said, "only for first class." I had a really hard time stripping off my long johns in the tiny airplane lavatory. I think I may have accidentally joined the mile high club. Walking around the next day was surreal. Everyone here speaks English. Well sort of. It's so hard to understand I started using Chinese. And all the Singaporeans are either of Chinese or Indian descent. I felt like I was at the Super Bowl of math contests. At a food court I stopped by a TV. A girl was singing with a bunch of other girls dancing behind her in front of a gas station; then later at a bank lobby. At first I thought it was some welcome to our country commercial until I realized it was a music video. It was as if the director was driving the van of girls around, had to fill up and said, "this is a good place, get out and jiggle around while I get the camcorder," and then had the same thought when he had to go to an ATM. Thank you very much. I'll be here for the next two weeks.



01.26.2006
MY KIND OF TOWN //
I must say that I've been pleasantly impressed with this little city/country that could almost fit inside the Houston Loop. Singapore has done well for itself with no major exports and only commerce to sustain its economy. A lot of the architecture is ultra modern and it's one of the cleanest places I've visited. The subways are like malls and the malls are superior to American ones. Even at a 7-11, they sell wine, luggage, play Asian pop, and have free wireless internet access. I've been living in a hotel and every morning when I walk out I feel like I'm pre-season six 90210 Dylan McKay. Back when he ruled Beverly Hills, was rich, and had Kelly and Brenda both jocking him. Except that I have none of that, but sometimes I just throw my towel on the floor after a shower. Right on the floor. Am I living the rock star life or what? Some obvious downsides to Singapore are that it can be more expensive than America, they have ridiculously strict laws, and the girls have jacked up grills. I'm just saying.



01.28.2006
CULTURAL LESSONS //
This week I've learned that you can speak the same language but it doesn't mean you'll understand what people are saying. For example "free flow" means free refills, "make a move" means get up and leaving. I tried to buy a piece of pineapple and the vendor said "take away." I was like, "okay but I think I should give you money first." I went to a hamburger joint and they were having a "1 for 1 special." In America that's called buying something. It ain't that special. Last night I went out to dinner with some Singaporean girls and a Korean chick. I shared that in China I always get mistaken for a Korean and the Singapore girls thought the same of me. It is widely known that Korean guys have a reputation for being hardcore chauvinists, so I said "What? Does it look like I beat women?" Then the Korean chick got upset. I learned a valuable cultural lesson that night: Korean girls don't have a sense of humor. It's either that or they are really sensitive about getting beaten. I'm just saying. Kim Jong, back me up.



01.31.2006
CHUN JIE //
A couple of days ago it was Chinese Year New Year. It's basically the Super Bowl of all holidays for Asians. Everyone closes down their businesses for a week and goes traveling. The thing I don't get is, if everyone shuts down and goes to another city to celebrate, aren't those people there doing the exact same thing? So where to these people celebrate if nothing is open? I was pondering this on New Year's Eve as I wandered the empty streets unsuccessfully looking for some dinner. Here's an idea of how crazy it can get: my Chinese teacher's mom left her home a month earlier to avoid the rush. A month. A friend told me that in Shang Hai the typical person spends $600 on fireworks for Chun Jie. That's US dollars. Mind blowing when you consider the average person makes like $2 a day and a bowl of rice. With that many fireworks you figure it can't be that safe. I just heard that it was "reported" that there was an accident where 16 were killed and a 100 more hospitalized. So you know the real statistics are around 16,000 killed. Here in Singapore anybody whose anybody was down at Chinatown. So naturally I was holed up in my hotel room eating crackers, drinking water, and playing video games.