10.29.2006
LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT //
I made a will today. You are probably wondering why I would be concerned over who gets my mint condition collection of Star Trek trading cards including the entire bridge crew plus the alternate reality Admiral Riker. I've been thinking about how consumed I am about saving money. It's one of the great comforts that warms my cold and very lonely bed at nights. It's not that I love money. I think it's that I am obsessed about security and money is just a means to it. But when you're worm food you can't take any of it with you. And the thought of my life's work of squirreling away every dollar, years of denying myself the pleasure of ordering soda at a restaurant or adding cheese to my burger for 49 cents more, all going to waste (read: Uncle Sam) was distasteful. Distasteful the way frozen corndogs become after eating them for your 3rd straight meal. I'm wondering who to bequeath my bitterness and self-satisfying feeling of superiority.



10.26.2006
HE GRIND //
The other day when I was eating by myself at a Wendy's, I was watching a lady at another table meeting with the manager. She was obviously from corporate, or district, or headquarters or whatever. They had a stack of papers and forms spread out and were discussing employees. I imagine for that woman this was just another day another meeting at one of dozens of non-descript Wendy's locations around the greater Austin area. She probably listens about the same mind numbing issues while listening to the same mind numbing easy listening music droning overhead. Then she probably drove home, got something to eat, maybe watched a little tv, and then got ready to seize the next day.

This got me thinking about my first job out of college when I worked in a cubicle and how life was probably not unlike this woman's. The grind is a part of most of our lives. But slowly it's wearing down the edge of optimism and ambition we once had for life and one weekend as you are wandering through a Pottery Barn with your significant other, you've realized that you've become dull. And all you have to look forward to is another 40 hour work week of watching the clock and staring as your life ends one minute of at a time. For what? So we can drive home in a nice car, eat at a nice restaurant, and sit in front of a nice tv? I'm a little sickened by myself because I believe in the futility of this slow death that passes as life and yet when my plane from China hit the tarmac, I allowed myself to swept back up in our American materialistic and security driven hamster wheel. It's all over-rated. Except for having a nice tv. That effin rocks.



10.23.2006
YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR //
I am cheap. I mean "buy one get one free" would be on my family crest cheap. The other day I was appraising my wardrobe and I think it's around $300 including about $50 worth of underwear. Anyhow while I was on the phone the other night I was pulling out half of a 99 cent Totinos from the oven. Sadly the 59 cent aluminum foil it was on ripped and it landed face first on the floor. My friend was like, "Dude, are you going to eat that? There could be pubes on it." Of course I ate it. I took freaking de-worming pills because of what I ate in China. I wasn't going to let the threat of a few curlies scare me off of 50 cents worth of frozen pizza and waste another nickel in foil. Besides, who scrotches in the kitchen? The pizza ended up being soggy and yet a little crunchy at the same time.



10.21.2006
#5 ALIVE //
I went to bed last night at 4:30am and had a harder time crawling out of bed this morning than Rosie O'Donnell does walking away from a buffet. She's fat. But bleary eyed I stumbled like Tara Reid to the living room. She drinks a lot. It's #5 Texas vs #17 Nebraska on ABC in glorious high definition! All week I'd been quietly nervous about this game like Paris Hilton waiting for results at the health clinic. She's a whore. I was still confident and Colt McCoy had been playing better with each week, but it was still in Nebraska with harsh weather conditions and a rabid crowd. I spent most of the game with my eyes closed or hiding in the kitchen just listening to the play by play. Greg Johnson was absolutely killing us. We were moving the ball but he botched an extra point and field goals from 39 and 31 with the wind behind him. This left the door open for Nebraska who scored on a devastating 45 yard shuffle pass that should've been stopped for 3. They were now up by 1 because we previously failed to get in the end zone on 1st and goal from the 2. We then went 3 and out and Nebraska completed a first down pass to seal it. But apparently we were channeling Sooner Magic and caused a fumble. Colt got us down to the 5 to set up a potential game winning 21 yarder. Mac then trotted out a walk on kicker who had never attempted a FG because our goat kicker told Brown that his throat was tightening up. I mean his leg. The replacement kicker nailed it and then we tried to give it away by committing a ridiculous roughing the passer penalty as time expired on a Hail Mary attempt. All in all a good day. I celebrated by watching a few more hours of football alone and then simulating the game on my Xbox. I'm a loser.



10.18.2006
IN A WORLD //
New York is always fun. Especially when it's on someone else's dime. I went for work and got to tag along with my boss for stuff related to another project we are concurrently working on. It involved meetings with that guy who has voiced practically every movie trailer ever. Listening to him in studio do the trailer for The Holiday with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet was cool. Listening him do the trailer for a movie with Sigourney Weaver and Andy Dick, ehh not so much.

Probably the best part of that experience was the $500 sushi dinner, but I had to work for it. I am notoriously horrible at finding places I've never been to in the dark. (I'm already cringing about a hypothetical wedding night.) I ended up spending an hour in the rain wandering up and down 5th Avenue until I slinked into a posh hotel soaked and dressed like I was going to paint a house. Everyone looked at me like they expected me to enter from the kitchen. Now the hotel I was staying at was ridiculously small even for NYC standards. Their coffin-like elevator was smaller than an MRI chamber. It was 2 star $220/night on the edge of Harlem and Central Park next to $5M condos. It got a little scary at 11pm when I went to a convenient store on a beer run. But everyone keeps saying that Harlem is changing and actually is becoming upscale. It really is. Two people asked me for spare change. One was wearing a Polo shirt and the other had a black leather jacket. I shied away because I embarrassingly felt under-dress yet again.



10.14.2006
CENTRAL PARK //
The other day I was taking photos in Central Park. The air was brisk and I was actually wearing a fleece and a wool hat. Kids were playing soccer and runners were out in full force. The grass was green and lush and the leaves were already turning red and orange. It was a big a difference from when I was sporting just my underwear around my apartment in Austin, as I am now. I had forgotten that in other places there are actually four seasons whereas Texas is more like a washing machine with just hot and cold settings. NYC is gorgeous and a fantastic place to live. If I had a lot of money I would definitely put a bounty on everyone who bullied me in high school, and then I would move to New York. Just as I was reveling in the many different "accidents" that could befall my various nemesises or is it nemesi (?), and deciding on if I'd live in the Upper East or West side of Manhattan, it started to pour. And then I noticed a fleet of helicopters and waves of fire engines screaming by. I found out later it was because Yankees' pitcher Cory Lidle had slammed his plane into an apartment building. It was pretty nuts all day.



10.11.2006
HOUSE WARMING //
The slow boat from China finally arrived with my furniture after more than 3 months. I'm just glad that ship wasn't transporting Asian chattle. It's nice to have real furniture, like a chair. I almost feel like an adult now, except for the maturity. I like this feeling. Dare say I'm hooked on it.



10.09.2006
RED RIVER REDUX //
Women be shopping. The phenomenon is inexplicable like déjà vu, anti-matter, or Dane Cook's career. It boggles my mind on many different levels why they are so intoxicated about it. One girl tried to explain it to me in that it allows a form of control in their lives, or it's a vehicle for bonding and affirmation between other chicks. Another girl went as far as to say, "it's like how all guys are into sports." If that was any more preposterous then it would be a romantic comedy starring Freddie Prinz Jr.

Sport is pure. Sport is transcendental. Sport is a metaphor for evolution where adaptation, effort and force of will to survive separate the winners from the losers. When women shop there are no winners. When I shop, the only winner is bad taste. Every major event that has ever happened in human existence can be represented or has a counterpart in sports. The Revolutionary War: The 1980 US Hockey Olympic gold. The Vietnam War: Every Ryder Cup. The LA Riots: the Ron Artest melee. OJ Simpson: Pete Rose. France: The WNBA. That time I tried asking out a white girl who was out of my dimension (league is too small): every time ARod is at bat in a close game with the bases loaded, every Texans game, For the Love of the Game, I don't know take your pick, but it was horrible. The Holocaust: the Red River Shootout 2000-2004. Speaking of which, I can't think of another thing that holds so much domination over my emotions. It's not "just a game" (the mating call of the loser). It represents the eternal struggle of good verses evil. Which is why on Saturday afternoon wearing nothing but my boxers watching the game alone, I would jump up, yell and high five no one in particular on every big play. You see, I wasn't just rooting for a college football game, I was rooting for the future and I hope of mankind. For the children.



10.04.2006
THE BACHELOR //
During the Eagles/ Packers game I found myself continuously flipping to the season premiere of The Bachelor. I could only stand 2-3 minutes at a time without wanting to stick my head in an oven. I had never seen this show before, but I heard they had a new gimmick, where in classic Extreme Home Makeover fashion had one upped themselves and dug up a real prince. Nevermind that this Italian "prince" is from New York, doesn't speak any Italian, and is just a distant relative of someone who 500 years ago was given some meaningless title by the Pope in exchange for a pay off to the Roman Catholic Church.

The cameras showed limo after limo of fake blondes with fake boobs and faker personalities who were foaming at the mouth and giddy about this being a dream come true like something out of a fairy tale. I felt sad for them. Not when the T100 sacrificed himself in the lava sad, but D- list celebs like Paris and Screech releasing sex tapes to whore for attention sad. One chick even sold her car to buy the clothes and jewelry that she didn't even get to wear because she got cut the first night. The best part was at the end where the girls who got the axe ran away sobbing and bawling things like "I don't understand what happened!" It was awesome. Would I ever trade positions with someone who has 25 hot babes clawing at each other over him just because of the shallow allure of his wealth and promise of celebrity? If I had any integrity or self-respect then no. So obviously my answer is yes, yes I would. Hells yes.



10.02.2006
TV LAND //
This season has been hailed as the golden age of tv. So naturally as someone who spends more time watching tv than sleeping or leading a productive life, I've been checking out a lot of the new pilots. JERICHO: Every major city in the US is nuked and we follow the lives of a small town trying to survive. This show takes an interesting premise and then does absolutely nothing with it. Contrived drama and stereotypical sub-plots. If Johnny Depp and Jon Cryer had a baby it would be Skeet Ulrich. SHARK: Hot shot defense attorney James Woods turns his back on millions and gets a conscience and becomes a prosecutor. Airs on the Sci Fi channel. SMITH: Ray Liotta heads up a crew that performs high stakes robberies. All of the main characters are asses and you root for them to fail. So it's almost exactly like Dancing With the Stars. HEROES: Ordinary people discover that they have extraordinary powers. Mine is to repel attractive women. Incredibly hyped. Incredibly bad acting. Concerning returning shows…NCIS: Campy procedural show, corny drama, a wheelbarrow of sexual tension. So what I'm saying is that it's fantastic. GREY'S ANATOMY: Who will Meredith choose?! It was utterly compelling television, for the length of a football tv time out. THE OFFICE: A solid 16 out of 10 on the sympathy embarrassment scale. If it could be any more awkward they would dedicate each episode to every high school dance I've ever attended.