I was at dinner with my 7 year old nephew last night and he was asking me questions about a video game called God of War.   “When did Zeus turn evil?” he wondered.  I tried to explain to him that sometimes good people do bad things and vice versa.  Then I posed, “If a person treats his family well is he a good person? (him nodding) What if that person is mean to everyone else though? (puzzled look)”  I’m not sure if a boy that age could understand the nuances of moral ambiguity.  But then I thought it would have been easier if I just had him watch LeBron’s masturbatory special “The Decision” (btw masquerading it as syngeristic charity for The Boys and Girls Club was putting a dollop of whip cream on on a turd pie).  My first reaction, since I’m so removed from the slow death it is to be a Cleveland sports fan or just living in Cleveland, was that he gave them 7 great years already and he was ready to move on.  But if Hakeem had left Houston with a narcissistic tv special while referring to himself in the 3rd person 5 times before 1994 to join Patrick E-wing and the Knicks then maybe I would’ve staged my own LeBronfires.  Now having a little more perspective I feel ESPN could’ve skipped their 60 minute gang bang of Cleveland and just looped  this video clip.  Here are a few of my favorite fan reactions:

“Closest example to what LeBron did with Cleveland: Instead of proposing to your girlfriend, dumping your wife on the Jumbotron. At the Super Bowl.”

“Imagine you’re an average dude in high school. Somehow, you begin dating the hottest girl in school. It goes good not great, but hey, she’s beautiful and you aren’t really going to complain. Senior year, she breaks up with you and begins dating the new quarterback that just transferred into the school. Except she did this on stage at the homecoming coronation, embarrassing you in front of the whole school. This is what LeBron did to the city of Cleveland.”

“My wife could sleep with my father and I wouldn’t feel this betrayed.”

I just flew back from Hong Kong sitting next to a pair of Chinese Septuagints. Not too bad. You may be thinking, “But wait. Didn’t you have to deal swamp gas breath and lung coughing hocking?” Well yes, but I also got to rip about two dozen farts over 14 hours with immunity and no one was the wiser.

I caught up on some movie watching as well.

Book of Eli: Taking a bratty teenager across an apocalyptic wasteland is always a bad idea; no matter how hot Mila Kunis is.

Sherlock Holmes: I dug Guy Ritchie’s frenetic take on the original World’s Greatest Detective. But RDJR made the movie.

Wolverine: Origins: Dumb and empty. Should’ve been called Hugh Jackman: Shirtless.

Star Trek: JJ Abrams creates the perfect remake. I’m dreading A-Team even more now.

I’ve spent so much time cruising the glitzy parts of Hong Kong that I’ve memorized the locations of most of the major billboards in the city. So I decided to see the less traveled parts of the country- the parts that you don’t see in a Fodors or Lonely Planet travel book. Today I rode a bus to Tai Po. If you sprayed some urine and sewage on the roads and replaced the blue skies with yellow Beijing “fog,” I’d swear it was China circa right this minute. When I got off I wasn’t initially impressed and told myself that I’d walk around and get back on the bus in 5 minutes. But then I stumbled upon a spectacular harbor park. A few pics first and then a quick story.

the obligatory shot of flowers and mountains

deep as in elbow high

ho artistic

this spiral tower sprang out of nowhere

almost to the top…

…and, I’m spent

the view from the top

all these dishes and still no HD signals

The story: I ran out of space on my camera so I sat down on a bench to delete some pictures. After about 20 seconds my legs started to burn.  I looked down and saw them blanketed with what I thought were little black gnats. Wrong. They were dozens of hopped up viagra mosquitoes that got their motherf***ing rape on.  I thought about posting a photo but it’s pretty gruesome. I have north of 110 bites. If you are really curious just google “radiation burns” and you’ll get the idea. Then a short while later I saw this:

in a word: fuuuuuuuuuu*k

As I type this I can feel the Dengue coursing through my veins granting me strange and wondrous powers. I expect that in the next 72 hours I’ll either become a crime fighting super hero or just think I am from the encephalitis induced insanity.

On the way to having lunch at Victoria’s Peak we saw this spa called Wonderfish.  You sit on the edge of a tub filled with hundreds of Garra Rufa fish for 30 minutes as they nibble away at the dead skin from your feet and hands.  For the first few minutes it’s extremely ticklish and a very odd experience watching fish feast away on you. In the end you feel baby skin soft.

I like being alone but not necessarily solitude. When your only human interaction is with sitcoms and dramas your grip on reality begins to slide away.  Soon you think that any dilemma can be hilariously solved in 22 minutes and you begin to expect to see a murder or death ever 45.  One of the huge upsides of Hong Kong to me is how easily you can get lost in a crowd; to brush up against thousands of people and remain completely anonymous.  I’ve started taking to riding the local buses.  My favorite are the ding ding ches (electric trams named for their ringing bells).  For 25 cents I can crisscross through the hearts of the busiest avenues of the city for hours watching people rush around as if they were fleeing from the scene of a crime. Sometimes it’s not so great because it can become unbearably humid in these open air cabins and you have to deal with an armpit to the face.  My highlight the other day was spying some guy very openly checking out two school girls (It wasn’t me I swear.  I’m much more discreet).

I rode the Ngong Ping 360 cable car the other day. Incidentally on the busiest day of the month, which lead to internal combustion and seething in line. For extra you can cruise in a clear bottom car and watch people make the hike to the peak where a huge Buddha surveys the mountain top. I got a laugh out of foreign women choosing style over practicality as they struggled to negotiate the several hundred step climb in dresses and heels. I saw an old woman going down backwards apparently out of fear of heights. She reminded me of a person thrashing in the water until they realize they can just stand up because she was only one flight from the ground level. You can enter the base of the buddha, which is a shrine for the departed. There were signs requesting silence and no cameras to preserve the sanctity of the holy place.  So I couldn’t take any pictures of the five souvenir shops.

tourist traps under construction, we appreciate your patience

spot the fashionista

I’ve been in Hong Kong for a week now, or as my mom calls it, “the city that never dies”. (She also refers to David Beckham as “that batman guy who married the spicy girl.) I’m eating well, I talk to talk people with my mouth, I get out, and I even wear a shirt everyday. It’s like I’m employed again. It’s a great city.  The pace of life is so much faster than my couch. Living above a shopping mall is interesting because it’s like watching the seasons change with stores going in and out of business. I should really open up a business that exclusively makes “FINAL SALE 90% OFF” signs.

The part of town I’m in is sort of the Boca Raton of Hong Kong. I went to a banquet the other night and I think my mom was the youngest by three decades. To them I’m sure they are thinking that they have farts older than me. I asked my grandfather how old he thought I was.

21? (more) 24? (more) 27? (more) 28? (more) 29? (more) 30? (more)…. 21?

An example of free market one-upmanship.

June 11: Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Jessica Biel, Rampage Jackson, and the dude from District 9.

So it’s the day after and I’m suffering from an Olympics hang over. The countdown to London 2012 has begun. While it’s still fresh, here are some of my winners and losers from Vancouver 2010:

Winner: Canada
Own the Podium turned into Blown the Podium which ended in a furious golden finish for the host country. While weather was a huge story, winning an absolute spectacular hockey final vs USA was the gold cherry on a successful Olympics for America Jr. That touching piece by Tom Brokaw on how the tiny hamlet of Gander coming to the aid of displaced travelers following 911 has solidified Canada as the best people in the world. Finishing 2nd to last are the French, one beignet above al qaeda.

Winner: Stephen Colbert
Jay Leno was supposed to act as the hype machine for our athletes leading up to the games. But the late night fiasco crippled much of any momentum. Colbert stepped in with a hilarious week of coverage as an official assistant speed skating sports psychologist, where he was allowed to surprisingly take shots at NBC. NBC later tried to take a comedy cue from him, but their anemic attempts at humor was like watching my dad  try to do stand up.

Winner: Bumping and Grinding events
Short track, snowboard cross and ski cross are basically roller derby events and they were completely riveting.

Winner: Shaun White
Winning when you are supposed to is one of the hardest things to do in competitions. Shaun White stomped the field and he made it look effortless. His cool factor is so off the charts right now, he totally got away with looking into the camera during a studio interview and said, “Hey Obama, invite me to the White House.” And he’s going to get that invite.

Loser: Over-saturation of key stars
It’s annoying how NBC pre-games already determined who would be the sweethearts and stars before a single event was held. But I understand how they want to go with sure things. Lindsey Vonn getting the Michael Phelps treatment was just plain aggravating. And I’ve had so much Apolo Ohno force fed into me that I swear I crapped out a soul patch last night.

Loser: Curling
I watched 10 matches before giving up. The men’s and women’s teams were both talking medals. Both finished in the cellar often getting mercy-ruled. The most unbearable thing about the coverage was the smarmy announcing. The main analyst went on sanctimonious rants about the teams getting criticism on the internet. Well if you want to call glorified team shuffleboard the greatest sport in the world and make comparisons to football, baseball and basketball, then you are fair game to be criticized when the skip chokes four straight games away and then gets pulled. If you want curling to get more exposure then you need a winning product, and more of those Russian babes (incidentally on the ending montage of the great Olympic moments they included an unnecessary awesome shot of the tasty Anna Sidorova).

Loser: Day time coverage
All you could pick from was curling or any of the 10 (!) cross country events where Americans were no where to be seen. At least show qualifying rounds of more exciting events like speed skating. Watching a bunch of Scandinavians shuffle around for miles is as dramatic as an infomerical. And then there is listening to Al Troutwig drop beauties like, “Emil Hegle Svedsen is his name, biathlon is his game.”

Loser: Me and NBC
84 hours of coverage with 50 being commercials. NBC you suck for coming out of 6 minute commercial breaks, cutting back for a 15 tease then tossing to another 6 minute break ad nauseum. I’m the loser for tolerating it. Thank God for DVRs.