Transformers
Less than meets the eye

// The skinny: Shia is somewhat of a high school loser who thinks getting a car will somehow help his prospects with the out-of-his-zip-code Megan Fox. Oh yeah, there are some robots too.

// Review: Transformers is like those desserts you see at a cheap buffet. They look delicious but in the end all you get in a chalky flavorless tease. Now I see why all of the Iron Man fanboys were worried about the actual movie falling flat after watching Michael Bay perform an abortion on one of my favorite childhood memories.

/ The movie stars the suddenly ubiquitious Shia LeBouf who has become the Jeff Goldblum of disappointing blockbusters (I refuse to pay money for the Indy 4 CGI turdfest). Transformers immediately falls off the rails when the Bay/Spielberg team decides that movie goers are too stupid to appreciate a quality film and instead opt for gushing pandering to the MySpace demographic. The movie centers around Shia trying to get the ridiculously hot Megan Fox, which culminates into a painfully boring 10 minute scene of his parents lawn getting mauled by Autobot hijinks.

/ Sadly it seems like Michael Bay never got a copy of the cartoon DVDs because the Transformers are just an afterthought. Optimus Prime is basically emasculated and Megatron makes the equivalent of a cameo. With the high overhead and super zoomed in shots it was hard to distinguish the robot on robot action or even who was who.

/ As far as the plot goes, saying that you would have to turn your brain off would be generous. You'd have to unplug it, run an electromagnet over it and then punch a dolphin in the face. Here's a spoiler that won't change your experience: instead of staying put at a maximum security military base, they retreat to the safe confines of a crowded city where hundreds of civilians no doubtedly die during the ensuing collateral damage.

// Wrap up: Transformers has 4 big plusses: fantastic CGI, the Transformers IP, Megan Fox, and oh Megan Fox. Take those away and you pretty much have the same garbage of Dragon Wars.

Entertainment rating: 2.5